Five Times Severus Almost Told Lily He Loved Her
by Mr Bellatrix Lestrange
Summary: What's worse? Saying something and wishing you hadn't, or saying nothing and wishing you had? Unfortunately Severus got the chance to experience both.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Reviews are loved by the author my friends. **

_Five Times Severus Snape Almost Told Lily How He Felt About Her, But Didn't_

The first time that Severus Snape realized he loved Lily was September first, the day of their sorting. The entire summer had been spent in anticipation for that particular day, and Severus was determined to make it the best. No longer would they be separated by things like distance, parents, Petunia- it'd all go away. They'd be sorted into the same house, no matter _which_ one that would be, and they could spend every _moment_ of their magical lives together. Severus _wanted_ that. He wanted to share every important facet of his life with her. Anything that they could do, he desired. Their sorting was the perfect moment to tell her.

In just a few short hours they'd both experienced more magic than they ever had in their entire lives combined. Severus' father didn't much tolerate magic, and the only thing remotely magical his mom ever did was crush up potion ingredients for future research. Needless to say Lily herself could only listen to the tales of magical encounters, as back at her Muggle home she had no way of accessing any of it.

Through the barrier, onto the train, after they had ditched the compartment with those plonker _Gryffindors_, they'd had the time of their life. They'd opened and released boxes upon boxes of Chocolate Frogs, dared each other to try the most mysterious colored of Bertie Botts, and had a bubble blowing contest with a least a handful of little blue spheres called Droobles. It had started out as a day to remember and progressed into a day he never wanted to end.

They soon hopped out of the train and followed the school's gamekeeper to the edge of the lake, where a small fleet of boats resided. Lily and Severus clambered into one, followed by two other boys they'd never seen, but who introduced themselves as Avery and Lestrange- _Pureblood _Wizards. The sight of the Hogwarts castle itself in the night, stars twinkling distantly in the sky, was so breathtakingly beautiful. What a spot to share their first kiss, Severus mused, and he made sure to keep note that that's where it would be.

Sooner than he would've liked, a stern witch was giving them a talking to on the cold, stone steps outside the Great Hall, and then she disappeared, leaving all the first years to wait. "Nervous?" Severus asked Lily, as he took in her fidgeting hands. She was also biting her lip, an action that affected him to ways even _he_ didn't know. She just looked so... _cute_; with her wavy auburn hair falling down her back, and her emerald eyes staring in awe at all around them. She'd never been somewhere so populated with magic, and it was no doubt taking its toll.

She gazed at Severus momentarily before replying, "a little, yeah."

"Don't worry," Severus said, "you'll make a great witch." He knew that that couldn't have been the root of her worries, but it was something that he felt he had to reassure. It was true, of course, there was nothing Lily was bad at. She could succeed at anything she had in mind, and he had absolute faith in her. "Uh, Lily." he asked, suddenly feeling his stomach drop to his ankles, as he prepared to let her know his feelings.

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to say that... well, it's come to my attention that... that you and I, that we've-"

At that moment the witch came back, calling out, "form a line!" and leading them into the Hall. Severus gulped in relief, though his insides were still swarming with butterflies. Lily grasped his arm hurriedly and squeaked, "we're going in!"

As the doors swung open and they were led in, Severus was reminded eerily of the main attraction at a Muggle circus, like one that Lily had invited him to previously. Everyone was staring at them from four different tables, along with the teacher's table at the head. The butterflies in his stomach wouldn't let up, but maybe that was because Lily was still clinging to him as they stopped before the front table. A hat- the _Sorting_ hat- was placed on a stool already there. Before he could turn to Lily and make a comment about how grimy it was, and how he would never let such a thing touch his head (which might've elicited a giggle from the girl), it broke out into a song that had even Severus baffled. His mother had told him many, but not all, of the wonders at Hogwarts, and he was clapping heartily by its end.

"Severus," Lily said as the sorting began, her hands finding their way to his and giving them a squeeze. "Whatever happens... we're still friends."

Severus nodded at this statement, a little dumbfounded at her pattern of thoughts; but just then he noticed that, "Edgecombe, Elizabeth!" had been sorted into Ravenclaw house, and Evans, Lily must be next.

_I love you_, Severus thought, but he must not have said it aloud, because Lily was called then and her shaky legs were taking her to the stool. The hat was being placed on her head, and seconds later (if not hours) it was calling out, "GRYFFINDOR!"

The world slowed down. The clapping muted. Lily was in Gryffindor, with one of _those_ boys patting her back and cheering her on, and the house ghost was already sliding its way over to introduce himself. She didn't even look back over at Severus, and the flush was residing from her cheeks as she began watching the sorting in earnest.

Severus had lost his chance. Because after Shacklebot, and Skeeter, and Smith- Snape was called. And he'd been placed in Slytherin. He looked over at Lily as he made his way to the Slytherin table, where a sixth-year blond boy patted his shoulder in admission. She seemed to be trying to convey her earlier message, "_We're still friends."_

But even though Severus was exactly where he wanted to be, it wasn't with Lily.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Deepest, Darkest Secrets Competition Entry. **

Severus felt guilty. And _that _was a rare occasion that, when one Severus Snape felt guilty. He never took much care to even feel when trivial things persisted, and his morals and values stood far from things like a _conscience _or _right and wrong._ It was an odd, sort of alien feeling, residing in the pit of his stomach, rearing its ugly head in denial. If he had to (and he _had_ had to) describe it, it was simply as a mixture of pain and sorrow, maybe even shame. But Severus didn't often feel shame, why would he? At least, he hadn't done much to _warrant _such shameful thoughts that plagued him during the day.

The plain truth of it, though, was that he held a secret. One which up until yesterday he hadn't any problems with, and it was as true and real as his very hands. However, so much could _change_ in the course of twenty-four hours. He'd been victim to the surprise himself.

Severus was in love with Lily Evans. And it was the kind of love that had started out as a bud of friendship, and increased gradually each day, each time he saw her since the Sorting. It opened his eyes to experiences he never knew possible, and they were beautiful. He hadn't _meant_ to fall in love with her, no, nothing like that. But in the end, she was the only one who understood Sev without the need of words, and accepted things about him that other people might shy away from. Like his obsession with potions, for one thing, that she'd come to terms with in stride- becoming just as excited as he was when a new discovery was under way. And maybe he didn't share Lily's passion for practical magics like Charms and Transfiguration, but so what? All that mattered in the end was someone to go home with for the summer, talk with late into the mornings, and catch some fireflies together- maybe even make some magic of their own.

But there was no reason to be ashamed of _love-_ and fondness, friendship, infatuation. That didn't result for the sickness in Severus's stomach, or the ache in his head. It wasn't the reason that every bone in his body seemed smothered, and his breath came up too short. None of those feelings coupled with that of love, none of them could even possibly compare- let alone be mentioned in the same phrase. _Love _didn't hurt people, or weaken them, or break them down one slow hour at a time. What did that was the guilt, and possibly the anger; the only human emotions still living inside him. What did that was people alone, and the cold, raw fact of time.

It was his own fault, he knew in the end, and that was the worst part of it. He couldn't blame Lily, or James, or Sirius or any of the other damn Marauders. Because he'd made his own bed. The reason _behind_ him feeling so secretive and shameful, dark and dangerous, was that he didn't make his move. The ironic past was that his downfall had been one of the things Lily had liked the most about him- his timidness and discretion, at least until the two were alone.

And instead of sharing his feelings aloud, he'd ended up hurting the one person who could truly make him feel. Then sent her running straight into the arms of James Potter.

In all honesty he didn't know what made him call his best friend a Mudblood. Such a foul name, for someone so pure. Far from innocent, but pure. And he knew that Lily didn't approve of his friends, but when your exposed to something for so long... when you're abandoned at the Sorting... It had rolled so easily off his tongue that it was frightening. For as long as he lived, he knew it would be on his mind. But he couldn't change that now. All he could do was try to further prevent their fall.

"Lily, you have to believe me, please. I never meant _any_ of it, I swear." Severus pleaded, trailing after Lily as she re-stacked books in the library. She'd gained a passion for studying and reading over the years, and in Severus's mind it made her all the more irresistible. Slowly they'd been growing apart without knowing it though; her with her Gryffindor friends, and him with his Slytherin ones. In the end it was bound to happen.

Lily ignored him as she continued to stack, and he figured he'd just have to wait. When she finished, and he had her attention, he whispered, "please don't be mad a me."

It sounded very feeble, and in his head it had seemed like a much better thing to say. Lily looked at him, her face stoic, and said, "I'm not mad at you."

Immediately Severus felt his heart lift, and it must've showed on his face because she put her finger up. "I'm not mad at you. I'm _done_ with you."

"But Lily, it was a mistake. A-a stupid, bonehead mistake that I would take back in a heartbeat, it's just that... that I love-"

"No Severus. You don't. You don't love. You're as cold and as evil as any of those other Death Eaters. With your Dark Magic, and who knows what else. You've chosen you're side.

Our friendship was a mistake."

Severus recoiled as if lashed- and it _had _hurt more than anything he'd ever experienced. That included all the experimental Forbidden Curses', the initiation- even the tattooing of the Dark Mark. Unconsciously he pulled his left sleeve down further. "Lily..."

He wanted to reach out to her. He wanted to tell her everything, to confess, to come clean, to just _get it over with_ so that she could understand _why_ he cared so much in the first place. Because he loved her.

Instead he did the one thing he did best. He fled. With his secret still locked safely inside.


	3. Chapter 3

Severus could feel his heart pounding blood in his ears as he scrambled up the sloping, muddy hills towards the castle. His whole body was shaking, and adrenaline was coursing through him like fire, spicing up his veins with fear. The full moon lit up his path, something he once would've found pretty, but which suddenly filled him with sickness like the bile in his throat.

He didn't turn. He couldn't, he wouldn't allow himself to see that. His chest was constricting painfully at the thought of what had just occurred. He made it all the way up to the Entrance Hall before he gave in and looked back. The Whomping Willow was swaying almost calmly, not a soul in sight. Weary, and with a deep sense of foreboding, he pushed through the doors and began to run up the marble staircase. In the still, quiet night, his clomping footsteps seemed to echo loud enough to wake all hell, and his breathing was ragged and harsh. He didn't stop sprinting as fast as he could until he was at his destination. Gryffindor Tower.

By now the painting of the Fat Lady in a pink dress knew his face. Knew not to let him in or to make a fuss about his arrival. She just looked down at him (he probably looked a right mess) and said, "she's not going to come down dearie."

Pushing back a curtain of his long hair, Severus nodded, slightly gasping. "Fine. I'll wait."

He felt like his heart would never stop hammering in his chest, like it was trying to leap out and escape too. He would never _admit _that it scared him to the very core, but how many students could see a raging werewolf and say that they weren't? His mind just kept replaying the scene over and over.

Some joke though, huh? At the expense of Severus's own life. But the Marauders had never passed up an opportunity to torment and torture him before, death was hardly a big leap at all from _that_ point, considering. They probably would've thought it hilarious that Severus had been killed by _humble_ Remus Lupin. _Werewolf_ Remus Lupin. Or maybe not killed, but it would surely add to the humour if he, too, had to spend the rest of his life as a _werewolf_.

"How could Dumbledore even allow that!" Severus suddenly burst, jumping up from his seat on the stairs and beginning to pace. "A werewolf, hiding beneath our very noses. Putting everyone here in danger." Putting Lily in danger... Severus thought, as he imagined her sitting next to Lupin in Potions, passing him the toast at breakfast. How many times had she come in contact with something so contagious and rotten? Forget the fact that she wouldn't even spare him the time of day, he had to tell her. He had to protect her.

Rounding on the painting that hid the Gryffindor entrance, he said, "you _have_ to let me in. This is _urgent_."

The painting all but refused, looking at him as though he was maniacal. He could feel his already hot blood starting to boil, but he decided that begging wouldn't hurt if there was no one around. "Please." he whispered, hands outstretched and palms out. "Please. The girl I... love. The girl I love is in possible danger. You have to let me see her."

For a moment, he was sure that it hadn't worked, and was prepared to start throwing hexes. But then the lady nodded curtly and disappeared from the frame. Severus crossed his arms over his chest as he waited. "Lily... I know I've said that you shouldn't hang out with the Marauders," he muttered to himself, trying to find the right words to put to his distress. His whole physiology felt jacked up; like he shouldn't be ecstatic at the fact that he would be telling his long childhood friend that Potter really _was_ horrendous. But despite his previous near death experience, he was ready to see Lily again. It'd been so long.

Just then, the portrait swung forward and Lily stepped out, wearing flannel pajamas and fuzzy slippers. He'd forgotten how late it really was, being quite wide awake himself. In in clipped tone, Lily said, "you know this whole 'threatening to sleep out here' thing only works once. I'm fine with having everyone trip over you in the morning."

"Lily." Severus breathed, taking her in, her look of disdain even managing to appear cute. But it wasn't time for that, Severus thought, shaking his thoughts away from that track. "Lily, I know you dislike me. Okay, hate my guts," he said, when her eyebrows rose. "But I've been saying for years that the Marauders are no good. This time I have proof that-"

"Severus, you can't make me stop hanging out with students in my own year."

"Yes, but-"

"But even so, I don't find James Potter to be particularly attractive as a human being. What can you possibly say to me that will make you seem like less of an arse, and him seem like more of one?"

"No, you've got it wrong," Severus said, starting to feel slightly dizzy. "You're. In. Danger."

Along with her eyebrows raising higher, she rolled them at the same time. "Right. Goodnight Severus."

"No, but I have to tell you! I could never stand to see anything bad happen to you. I... you're my..." Severus fumbled for words, looking down at his shoes. When he looked back at Lily though, she wasn't looking at him, but instead over his shoulder. He followed her gaze.

"Headmaster," she said, sounding shocked, and momentarily sharing a look with Severus. "I... we were just... not breaking curfew, of course, but uh-"

"It's alright, Miss Evans, I've no doubt you were simply aiding a friend in need." At that her eyes flashed, but she just pursed her lips. "I just have need for a word with young Mister Snape here in my office."

Severus felt his stomach drop. Of course, the Marauders had gone to Dumbledore, why hadn't he thought of that? Cowardly, really, to go to a teacher, but he was never one for being a knight in armour either. His throat felt unnaturally dry. They'd probably told Dumbledore it was all his idea, and that he had been the one poking his nose in where it didn't belong. They were fond of those sorts of jokes. "Professor you can't really believe them!" he felt himself say.

Lily was looking at him incredulously when Dumbledore said, "perhaps, on the stairs before Gryffindor Tower, isn't the place for this discussion. I'd feel much more comfortable with some tea in my office."

"I'll just be going to sleep then." Lily said. And Severus watched the girl of his dreams disappear, without a backwards glance.


End file.
